


Trans-Matter

by minkhollow



Category: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, genderbend big bang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-13
Updated: 2009-09-13
Packaged: 2017-10-02 11:56:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minkhollow/pseuds/minkhollow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You wouldn't think repairs to a ray gun would get this complicated, but figuring out what he's done to himself and how to undo it quickly prove to be the least of Billy's problems. On top of that, he's got to deal with adjusting to this new-body mess, racing against the clock to get it turned around before biology catches on, furthering his League application, and avoiding Captain Hammer as much as possible.<br/>Oh, and there's the fact that he still doesn't know where to start, when it comes to Penny - something he'd better figure out fast, or he might lose his chance entirely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, I never saw myself doing either a genderswap fic or a Big Bang, but then this one went live and the idea dropped into my head fully formed. And so, thanks go to a bunch of LJ people: dragonsinger for hosting the Big Bang; weaselett for the fabulous [art](http://community.livejournal.com/genderbendbb/5370.html); and quinby and gehayi for beta-reading. A soundtrack of my own devising is listed [here](http://sto-helit-lace.livejournal.com/94022.html).  
> I am (still) not Joss Whedon; I am (still) only borrowing for fun.

_I'm gaining strength  
Trying to learn to pull my own weight  
But I'm gaining pounds  
At the precipice of 'too late' - just wait_  
\--"Too Little Too Late" - Barenaked Ladies

This is turning into quite the little disaster, all things considered.

He pulled off the heist spectacularly, not that he thought anything else would happen, and even after Captain Hammer got around to butting in. But then there was that whole thing where he inadvertently introduced his arch-nemesis to the girl of his dreams, and now he's taking her on dates, and they're probably going to - French kiss, or something...

It's not that Billy doesn't know what comes after that. He does, even if his experience is... minimal. He'd just really, really rather not think about that in any context that involves Captain Hammer.

And, well, maybe tailing their dates over the weekend wasn't the best way to keep his mind off of the matter. In fact, it was probably about the worst idea possible, from that perspective. But - it's Captain _Hammer_, and Billy doesn't trust him to be a gentleman all the time. Or ever, really. And he just can't leave Penny to fend for herself, if the worst were to happen. What kind of person would that make him?

Anyway. He's tried to work on the Freeze Ray a couple of times, over the weekend, but it's just not coming. Maybe that has something to do with how he got the Wonderflonium, maybe not, but either way, it looks like he may not have it ready for the Superhero Memorial Bridge after all. He'll keep trying, of course, but his window of opportunity is shrinking.

Especially since it's Sunday night, the bridge opening is Thursday, and he's a little more interested in trying to see if he can figure out what's up with the Trans-Matter Ray, and how soon he'll be able to get it up to a hundred percent. It's tricky - it's been tricky the whole time, since the last thing he wants to do is transport one of his belongings to parts unknown - but that's never stopped him from trying before. Maybe if he really gets the ball rolling, he can severely inconvenience that idiot Corporate Tool, Freeze Ray or no Freeze Ray.

Today, though, his equipment apparently has a mind to fight back. He's not sure exactly what he does, but something that he pokes at sets off a giant spark and sends him flying across the room. It hurts like hell, but it doesn't knock him out, so hopefully it's not too bad, as after-effects to that sort of thing go.

There's got to be _something_ that happened, though. There always is, when you get thrown across the room by a giant spark. Billy doesn't take his chosen field for granted, or have anything that would give him a pass from the side effects.

He goes to stand up, and almost falls over right away; something's off, aside from the fact that his jeans are sitting more loosely than they were a minute ago - everywhere but his hips, anyway, and there they're too tight. He takes a few seconds to steel himself and try to decide if this is worth panicking about, then tries again. He doesn't fall over this time, but his jeans are still sitting oddly, to say nothing of the lab coat.

Then he goes to move, and freezes as best as anyone not aided by the Freeze Ray can. Something _very important_ seems to have disappeared, when he wasn't paying attention - well, more likely as a side effect of being thrown across the room, but still, this is looking more and more panic-worthy by the second.

Billy takes a few deep breaths, then very carefully makes his way to his bathroom. It's nothing he hasn't done hundreds of times, in one sense, but everything feels off and he's having to hold his pants up and that's only driving home the fact that he's really screwed _something_ up here. When he gets in there, he pulls a belt off the back of the door, and finally manages to face the mirror.

His face is still recognisably his, but softer and less angular. His hair looks like a mess on top of it, but that may be just as well; if he's right about what he did, he's going to have a lot to deal with as it is.

He doesn't want to open the lab coat, but it's that or drop his pants to get to the bottom of this, and he really doesn't want to see that particular confirmation yet. So the lab coat's the lesser of two evils, so to speak, and anyway he needs to be able to get to the belt loops on his jeans.

And, well. Those are definitely breasts that were making the lab coat sit funny. Small, as breasts go, but...

"God," he says, and double-takes again - that was a good octave higher than it has any right to be, at least under normal circumstances. "What the hell did I _do_ to myself?"

***

Moist comes over half an hour after that discovery.

That he's dropping by is no surprise - he'd said he was planning to, to at least find out how the Wonderflonium heist went. Billy isn't sure whether it's a problem or not, with this latest complication. On the one hand, he'd almost rather _nobody_ knows about it; on the other, it'd be good if someone did, to at least cover for him in a few public settings. Hopefully, he'll be able to get this mess straightened out in short order, but... well, the fact remains that first, he has to figure out what he did, other than set off a big spark.

Anyway, Moist lets himself in as usual, halfway through saying something about the latest Henchmen's Union meeting before he so much as glances at the couch - and then the expected double-take comes.

"...Doc? That is you, right?"

Billy sighs. "Yeah. Trans-Matter Ray decided to bite back. I had a look at it again, but I can't figure out what the hell I did and it's probably not going to happen tonight."

"Wow, this is - this is weird, just so you know. Which you probably do. Um. Right. Do you... know what you're doing about it yet?"

"Other than nothing else tonight? Trying to figure out what I did and how to undo it as quickly as possible. Never been happier to work from home, I can say that much. It's just - of all the times to happen, why _now_? The League's going to get to asking, I know it."

Moist eyes the Trans-Matter Ray for a moment, still at a safe distance from it (which is good; it's got enough problems, if it's swapping genders for no apparent reason, without moisture-related issues cropping up). "Wish I could tell you, Doc. I wouldn't think it's some kind of vast conspiracy, though. No one's worked on it but you, right?"

Billy nods. "And Captain Hammer never got close enough to hurt it, at the bank. If I can't get this turned around... I don't know what."

"Well. I know you probably don't want this getting spread around, but maybe we should call in one of the girls. Just in case you're stuck with it past about Tuesday - before that, you shouldn't get too many questions."

"Maybe. But I don't want to call in Hourglass. She'd try to tell me how long it's going to last, and I'd rather find that out on my own - it's too easy to sit there and wait for the answer to fall in your lap, after talking to her. And... really, do you think Bait would be of much help at all?"

Moist shrugs. "More than Switch would be, I can say that much, but I take your point."

"So that leaves Conflict Diamond." Calling her in isn't actually such a bad idea; she more sort of pals around with the villains, rather than affiliating with them outright, so she's less likely to talk about the situation very much. Besides, she pretty much always has money to spare. Billy can probably swap her a bag from the bank heist for something he can actually spend.

"I think I'll call her in the... no," he says, "her phone's got that voice recognition thing built in. I'd throw it off right now. You'll have to do it."

"No problem. You want to see her tonight, or tomorrow?"

"I think tomorrow. I'm stuck for now anyway, so it won't hurt to wait through tonight."

Moist nods. "All right. I'll call her later, see if I can't get her over here tomorrow. It's... well, whether you wanted to do it or not, you might be stuck with it, so you might as well look vaguely normal while you're at it."

"I know. It's still damn annoying, though, I can't even _walk_ straight without thinking about it."

Moist hangs around for a while longer than usual, and Billy appreciates the company more than he can say - more than he would have thought, under the circumstances. After Moist leaves (and leaves the requisite puddle on the floor), Billy decides it's time he called it a night, since he won't get anything else done on any of his projects, and he can't very well put up a blog post in this state.

The part that includes actually going to the bathroom for the first time since that little accident gets interesting, but it's _been_ five hours, and one thing he does not have is a superhuman bladder.

He flops onto his bed with his usual abandon - and realises within about five minutes that he won't be able to sleep on his stomach, so long as he's got an actual chest to worry about.

***

Moist comes back late the next morning, with Conflict Diamond in tow. She agrees to help out - after laughing for what feels like ages, but Billy was half expecting that, and according to his clock it's only five minutes.

"I can see my way to that," she says, once she calms down. "You could certainly have done worse for yourself - the look suits you, I think."

Billy rolls his eyes, and does his best to ignore the fact that he's probably blushing. "It was an accident, and I have every intention of getting it turned around, whether it suits me or not. It's just, well, neither of us know how to... be a girl."

"Understood. Some of it isn't terribly different, I think I ought to point out."

"You say that when you're the one who has to take entirely different equipment into account just to walk."

The three of them get some lunch, and then Moist heads off to take care of some personal business; Billy doesn't ask what, but suspects it has to do with his water filter needing more carbon things. Once he's gone, Conflict Diamond eyes Billy for a moment.

"You're going to need a bra, first and foremost," she says.

"You sure about that?"

"Very. If you don't get one, you'll be wanting the extra support before too long, even for that little. Besides, it doesn't look very good, to do without."

"Point, I guess." He can see what she means about the first part, anyway; his neck has been aching for a good hour and a half, now, and he's pretty sure it's due to being more top-heavy than usual. As far as how it looks, he thinks his habitual layers would balance that out well enough - but his neck would still hurt, and he thinks that's creeping into his shoulders, which is not cool.

Conflict Diamond's got the sort of chest you usually see on comic book characters. He's got no _idea_ how she does it, if he's already having this much trouble.

They get that out of the way first; she insists he buy two, in case he needs to wash his clothes before he gets the situation turned around. Billy can understand that, and picks up a couple pairs of jeans that fit better while they're at it, but he absolutely refuses to try any shoes with heels. He's having enough trouble with walking as it is; no point in tempting fate.

When they're outside, on the way from the department store to the grocery, Conflict Diamond says, "Incidentally. How well do you work to a deadline?"

"That depends on the deadline," Billy says, after thinking it over for a few moments. "I'm better than I used to be, but I still kind of tend to bust things out at the last minute."

"I recommend you learn how to work to beat a deadline, and quickly. If this acts like any other human body, you likely have four weeks before you're presented with a menstrual cycle."

"I... hadn't even thought of that. Um. Given how much trouble those of you who are stuck with the things go to to avoid them, I think I'd rather _not_ have a period, thanks all the same."

Conflict Diamond chuckles. "They are rather tiresome. I can't say I blame you, but I think we'll get you some supplies for the occasion anyway, just in case. If you end up not needing them, I'll take them off your hands."

"Fair enough." Billy sighs. "I'm still trying to figure out what to do about my application. It... might be getting somewhere, but I'm at the point where they're expecting to see me do something, and hiding in my apartment trying to fix this probably isn't what Bad Horse has in mind."

"Likely not, no. I would put in a word for you with the Rigor Mortis Kid, but I haven't seen him since we ended things, and in any case I couldn't guarantee he would pass it along."

"The - oh, right, I forget the singing telegram posse have their own names, sometimes." It's an easy thing to overlook, as Billy sees it. After all, they're mostly there as a messenger service to Bad Horse.

"They do, but sometimes I wonder to what purpose. It is... very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who often has to drop absolutely everything and cater to the whims of a horse."

"I can see where it would be," he says, and lets the topic drop as they enter the grocery.

He's completely willing to take Conflict Diamond's word on what he should get, when it comes to certain supplies he's hoping he'll have no use for, but he balks when she raises the subject of razors.

"I already have one."

"Yes, but it's - meant for something else entirely," she says, likely not going into details in deference to their location. "You may find you want one, and in that case, it's best not to gum up the one you've got."

She's got a point there, though Billy really doubts he's going to try to shave his legs before this is over. It's too awkward, as far as he can tell, even if it would be easier to see what he's doing, at least for some parts.

But really, it's not like he's going to be showing his legs any time soon. Conflict Diamond tried to talk him into a skirt, but he never wears shorts normally, and it's also kind of the same point as the shoes.

After they finish with the grocery, Conflict Diamond pulls out her phone and eyes the display. "I have an... appointment with a jewelry store in an hour," she says. "Do you think you have enough to get by, for now?"

Billy nods. "I should probably get some work done anyway, and get back to trying to figure out what I did. Thanks for your help, much as I hope I won't be needing all of it."

"It was no trouble. I hope you can make your deadline."

"Believe me, so do I."

Billy sends Conflict Diamond on her way with a bag of liquefied gold bar - and a warning to be careful with it, if she feels the need to open the bag. It's probably a little more than compensation for what he spent, especially since she's about to go knock over another jewelry store, but it's the only expendable thing he's got. Besides, much as he'd rather not admit it, there's a chance he'll need more help before all this is over; better to invest in the possibility now, all things considered.

When she's gone, Billy has another look at the Trans-Matter Ray. It looks like it should, other than a small scorch mark where the spark grounded on it; he grabs a rag and wipes that off, half hoping something might happen again. Nothing does, which isn't a total surprise.

It would, after all, be too much to hope that this would be easy to fix.

He puts it aside for the rest of the afternoon and racks up some work hours to try to take his mind off things. It doesn't really work, but it's at least a different and more familiar sort of frustration.

He needs a shower, much as he really doesn't like facing the full reality of the situation; there's only so long he can stand to feel icky, at least when it's not brought on by Moist. It's possibly the quickest shower Billy's taken in his life, but at least he's clean after the fact.

Attempting to sleep on his stomach only lasts for two minutes, this time.

***

Tuesday morning, Billy does some work that he gets paid for. Tuesday afternoon, he works on his Dr. Horrible projects.

He has a look at the Freeze Ray first. It's mostly good to go, but he hasn't had a chance to test it in concert with the reaction power source - and that strikes him as a good idea, whether he's able to go to the bridge opening or not.

Turns out the Freeze Ray takes a couple of minutes to warm up; good to know, before he tries to use it and gets a car thrown at his head or something in the interim. He takes the Wonderflonium back out, tweaks some of the response mechanisms a little, and tests it again; that gets the warm-up time knocked down enough that it shouldn't pose much of a problem.

The Trans-Matter Ray, unfortunately, is nowhere near as simple. Billy looks at what he was doing the other night, but doesn't see anything wildly out of place. He tries poking at it again, but nothing happens - and he wonders whether it was a mistake, wiping off the mark last night.

Oh, well. All he can do now is hope that hasn't screwed up his progress too badly.

He keeps working on it until well after dark, then figures it's probably time he ate something. His ideas lose their plausibility, when his blood sugar drops. So he whips up some Easy Mac and pokes around the Internet for a while; after that, though, his inspiration to work on the Trans-Matter Ray seems to have deserted him.

At this rate, he's not going to get anywhere for months, and he doesn't _have_ months.

***

And then, as Billy's computer cheerfully reminds him the next morning - well, he thinks it's cheerful, anyway, so far as a computer can be said to care - it's Wednesday.

He'd hoped to have the whole thing sorted out by now, for several reasons. It may not really matter for work, but he's got something approaching a social life to get back to, or at least an alter ego (and a League application) to maintain - not to mention... other things. He knows it's a bit of a hairy situation when he finds himself considering skipping the laundromat.

On the one hand, he doesn't know how the hell he'll explain this to Penny. On the other, she might actually want to talk to him, since they did in fact talk a little on Friday. On the first hand, she won't be expecting this, and might think he's weird. Back to the second hand, well, he's got some hope of convincing her he's on the right track overall, and this is a little less morally ambiguous than robbing a bank or getting a head start on Captain Hammer. On the first hand again, he really doesn't want word of this getting out any further than it absolutely has to. On the second hand, it's not like anyone at the laundromat will actually _know_ it's him, unless he tells them, and the only person he would tell is Penny.

It's the mutant third hand that decides it: He's running out of clean clothes, and fast. So he loads up his laundry basket as usual and heads down, hoping for... well, he's not sure what. Penny's not there when he goes in, so he relaxes a little, and sets about loading a washer.

He's trying to dig some quarters out of his pocket when a voice to his right - Penny's voice, no less - says, "Billy?"

He jumps, and turns around; Penny smiles a little sheepishly. "Sorry," she says, "I think I mistook you for - you look a lot like someone who's in here a lot."

"Probably my brother," Billy says, and almost kicks himself for it as soon as the words are out of his mouth - but he's said it, and it would be too hard to back up now, so he's got to stick with it. "Don't worry about it, it happens a lot."

"Oh. It's just - we actually talked a little, over the weekend. And I got to thinking, it's completely ridiculous that we've both been coming here for so long and never said so much as a word to each other."

"It's - he's... complicated. Our family's got a track record of not being too great with people."

They do the introduction song and dance again (not literally); he settles on Bee as something he can remember to answer to, not that he expects many people will know it. After that, Penny loads a washer, and Billy finally gets some quarters into his.

"So what do you do?" Penny asks, after that. That's an easy question, in that he doesn't have to make something up for it. For once, he's glad they haven't talked very much.

"I work for World of Warcraft, actually. Got an in on doing forum support. It's... frustrating, sometimes, but it pays well and I set my own hours without having to leave the house. What about you?"

"Retail. I try not to let it crush my soul too much, but I'm looking for something else. And I volunteer with a homeless shelter downtown - not always the easiest thing to see, but I get to use my degree some, and I know I'm making an impact."

"That's cool," Billy says, with only a little hesitation. He can completely understand wanting to make a difference, after all; the big difference between them on that front is their preferred methodology.

"Yeah. We're trying to get the city to donate a building to us, rather than turn it into a parking lot, but I'm not sure how well trying that through the petition drive is going to work out. Nobody stops long enough to hear it out, even though it wouldn't really affect them in the long run."

"You never know. People are just enough of bastards that they might want to keep more people from competing in the housing market."

"Or jobs, since that'd be the real problem." Penny shrugs. "I don't know, maybe the rocket packs are worth looking into after all."

"...Rocket packs?" He already knows what she means, and a little laughter slips out on account of that, but he figures it's all right.

"Something that came up when I was talking to Billy about it. He... does he get that carried away with his texting all the time?"

"Depends. He's usually got a lot of stuff on his mind."

It's really weird, talking about himself from a supposedly third-party point of view. But Billy thinks he can manage it, if he doesn't have to talk to a lot of people who don't know what happened. It's worth sticking it out to talk to Penny, in any case.

After a while, Penny digs a scrap of paper out of her pocket. "I - don't suppose you'd be interested in the petition? I don't have the paperwork with me, but I can always tape it on, or something. And, well, every little bit helps."

Billy has to think about it for a few moments; by the time he's decided it's not _too_ much cheating, given the circumstances, his dryer buzzes. "Oh, that's - just a sec," he says, before grabbing his basket and starting over. He's moving fast, at first, but that quickly proves to be just as bad of an idea as sleeping on his stomach, at the moment.

He slows down, gathers his laundry, and goes back over to Penny. "Sure. I'll sign for you."

Penny grins. "Great." She hands Billy the scrap paper and a black gel pen; Billy has to remind himself not to sign it with his actual name, considering he's already done that.

"Thanks," she says, when he hands it back to her. "We really appreciate it. Even if this doesn't work out like we're hoping, at least we're not going down without a fight."

"I do have to hand it to you. A lot of people would have given up before they even started."

Penny shrugs. "A few of the other volunteers have been really skeptical, but... I guess I'm just an incurable optimist. Anyway, I should - you're ready to go, it's hardly fair of me to hold you up."

"Yeah. I should - yeah. It was nice talking to you."

"You too."

Billy's halfway home before he realises he still has her pen. He smiles, at that, and puts it on the end table with the one decent picture he's been able to get of her, when he gets home.


	2. Chapter 2

_I wake up scared, I wake up strange  
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change  
I wake up scared, I wake up strange  
And everything around me stays the same_  
\--"What a Good Boy" - Barenaked Ladies

Thursday comes and goes, and with it the Superhero Memorial Bridge dedication, without Dr. Horrible making a public appearance. He's got the Freeze Ray ready, but... well, he's still stuck as a girl. He's not sure anyone would actually believe it was him, if he did go.

And anyway, the last thing he needs is to get beaten to a pulp in a mostly unfamiliar body.

He spends the day doing support requests for work, including a few truly stupid zingers - 'How do I log in?' _indeed_, how did that idiot even make it past the home page? - and getting used to some of the basic mechanics of this body. That's another reason he opts out of the bridge opening; he doesn't want to beat _himself_ to a pulp by not accounting for the different center of gravity, or just how much arm's reach he's got before a ray gun bumps into his chest, or something.

Not to mention, his neck is still sore from yesterday, and it's almost definitely starting to creep into his shoulders. It's not just from hauling his laundry around, he knows that much; he does that twice a week with no trouble. Given that, it's got to be from the... extra weight in front.

It's just a dull ache, but it's damn persistent, and enough to make him wonder why on Earth anyone would ever want to _add_ to it. Reduction surgery, he can understand, and maybe a little something for people who don't have anything to start with and really think they should, but for people who already have more chest than they know what to do with? Billy's probably never going to understand that, and really, that's fine by him.

Friday passes in much the same way, other than the part where Billy needs to go to the grocery. It's not as big of a social risk as the laundromat, but it's a bigger survival risk, and Moist will poke him to get some food if he doesn't do it on his own, so he goes. People mostly ignore him, other than the occasional person eyeing his hair - not that he can blame them for that, but he's still kind of glad it didn't grow out along with everything else. He's got more than enough on his plate without having to learn how to cope with long hair, too.

While he's mulling this over at the self-service checkout, it hits him that Penny didn't say a word about what probably looks like his hair got attacked by an overzealous hedge trimmer. He's not really sure what to think of that, so he puts it out of his mind for now and heads home with his renewed stock of Easy Mac and Mountain Dew.

It may not sound like much - and it probably isn't, nutritionally speaking - but it's food, and it'll keep him going for another day.

He spends Saturday morning making up some of the work time he lost to Monday's shopping expedition. In the afternoon, he heads for the laundromat with only the slightest of second thoughts. It's occurred to him that he's in something of a unique position at the moment, regarding Penny; it might be easier to ask her about her relationship, without looking like he's only seeing her as a trophy. Which he doesn't, not by any stretch of the imagination, but the possibility's there, especially now that Captain Hammer's taken an interest. He didn't push the issue on Wednesday, since it didn't really come up, but still. If it does, he plans to take advantage of this weirdness, as much as he can.

She's already there, this time; after they get through exchanging greetings, she asks where Billy is.

If only she knew.

"He's... busy," he says. "Something came up, and - well, it's taking a lot out of him." He's proud of himself; all of that _is_ technically true, in a way.

"Oh. Well, I hope he gets through it all right."

"Thanks. I do too. So, um, how was your week?"

"Not bad. The shelter petition's coming along slowly, but it is coming along. And I think I have a date tonight."

"Oh?" Billy does his best to keep his voice neutral. "Someone you know, or more like a blind date?"

"We went out a couple times last weekend. It was... unexpected. He seemed kinda cheesy at first, but... he was actually a little sweet. I'm still sounding it out."

"You sure you shouldn't trust your first impression?"

Penny shrugs. "Like I said, I'm still trying to figure out what to make of him. Definitely never thought a hero would take an interest in me, I can say that much."

"...A hero?"

"Yeah. Captain Hammer, actually. We sort of ran into each other by accident."

It's all Billy can do not to snort derisively. "I - Billy... keeps tabs on that stuff. He's very opinionated. Far as he can tell, Captain Hammer's an egotistical jerk who gets too much credit for not enough action."

"Well... we'll see. I figured it can't hurt to at least give him a chance - he was nice enough. Don't know what else is going to happen."

"You really are an incurable optimist, aren't you?"

Penny smiles. "I guess so." Her washer stops, and the conversation peters out on that front as she moves her stuff to a dryer. When she comes back, they change topics, which is probably just as well; enlightening as that discussion was, Billy's had about as much as he can take of talking about Captain Hammer - especially since he had to keep a straight face through the whole thing.

***

Sunday brings with it a surprise, when Billy gets to surfing the Internet at random. No less than three blogs have observed the fact that Dr. Horrible hasn't put out a post in the last week, and more than one of them actually express concern for his safety. At least, he thinks it's that more than actively hoping Captain Hammer broke his skull.

It's kind of weird. He knew people paid attention to his blog, but he hadn't realised he had that kind of a following. And weird as it is, it's also kind of nice, knowing people actually seem to care.

In light of that, he opens up his word processor and starts typing. It takes him a while, but eventually, he has something that will pass for a post.

_I'm still alive_, it starts. _For those of you who may have been worried, don't panic; I haven't even seen Captain Hammer in the last week to _be_ beaten unconscious by him. What has happened is some technical difficulties that I'm still working on fixing; probably won't be any video posts until I get that sorted out, but I'll try to keep you posted, since you're interested._

_And so, in the interests of... well, some amount of disclosure: The League's considering my application this time. There would be victory arms here, but I don't do smilies. Pulled off successful Wonderflonium heist the Friday before last - well, successful in the sense that I achieved my objective. Some side events involving Captain Hammer were... less good._

_Freeze Ray is pretty well set to go, but due to the previously mentioned technical difficulties, I didn't get a chance to take it to the Superhero Memorial Bridge opening like I'd hoped. Not sure when I'll get a chance to give it its public debut, but it's in good shape._

_Trans-Matter Ray... is in a state of flux._

He almost deletes the last line, but figures it's the sort of thing that would slip out if he were on camera, so he might as well leave it in. After that, he moves on to answering a couple of emails, rounds out the post, and updates the blog. It may not be the sort of output people have come to expect from him, but he can't go on camera like this; he can at least throw them a bone and assure people he's still alive, just lurking.

Moist comes over a little bit after that, with a pizza in tow; he must have just gotten the thing, since the box is barely damp.

"Thought you could use some food," he says. "And don't say you went to the grocery, I know you. You probably only got Easy Mac."

"I need to stop being so predictable, don't I?"

"It's a thought. How are... things?"

Billy sighs. "Still haven't figured out what the hell's up with the Trans-Matter Ray, but... I talked to Penny a couple times."

"You did? Cool. How'd that go?"

"All right, I guess. I have no real idea, and... well. Captain Hammer's taking her on dates, so that may or may not have ruined my chances completely."

Moist shrugs, and sets the pizza box down on the lab table. "You never know, Doc. Best thing you can do is keep talking to her."

"I guess. If she's not thrown off by the whole weird gender thing, anyway. Oh - don't know if you saw, but people online were actually wondering where I disappeared to."

"Nice. The League's not on your case yet, are they?"

"Not yet, but it's probably only a matter of time. Can we talk about something else? I... so don't want to be dwelling on that all night." He's hoping to start tackling the Trans-Matter Ray in earnest, in the morning, and he won't even be able to fake that if he doesn't get at least some sleep.

"Fair enough." Moist picks up a slice of pizza - extra cheese, from the looks of it, but there's probably spinach or something lurking under the surface, knowing Moist - and starts filling Billy in on various intrigues within the Henchmen's Union. As a distraction tactic, it's actually pretty stellar; the Union has always had more obvious infighting than the League, probably because the pool of members is so much more diverse and there's less competition to get in. There's definitely a competition to get name recognition, though, at least in some cases. Moist seems to be immune to that.

It probably has something to do with how much he underestimates himself. Billy's sure that Moist could do some seriously badass things, if he'd just let himself find out about them.

When Moist heads home, Billy decides to call it a night, and gets the best night's sleep he's had since before the Trans-Matter Ray spazzed on him.

***

Billy spends the better part of Monday trying to get the Trans-Matter Ray sorted out.

The operative word there is 'trying'; he tests the ray itself on a small tree branch outside his apartment building, and it lands on his bed with no trouble. He puts it in a Ziploc bag right away, just in case the trouble the gold bars gave him comes up again, but there aren't any unexpected problems.

That's a little weird; the spark was definitely big enough that Billy had mostly expected the ray to need some more serious work than the shifting molecules problem. It also doesn't really help narrow down the source of the problem, which is... really not what he'd been hoping for at all.

He doesn't want to take the thing apart, now that he knows it's still fulfilling its original function, so he decides to try to recreate it; for once, he's got the materials around, thanks to the Freeze Ray work. So he does that, and he's got a second Trans-Matter Ray by the end of the afternoon, but... the problem is, that's about all he's got. Seems like whatever made the first one shoot off sparks is something Billy didn't mange to replicate.

By that point, he's tired, frustrated, and probably running out of blood sugar (less in a 'danger of diabetic coma' sense and more in the sense where he hasn't had anything other than Mountain Dew and a couple pretzels all day), so he puts it aside, heats up some Easy Mac, and takes care of some support requests. The League doesn't come calling that night, for which he counts his blessings.

It's Tuesday afternoon before his League phone - a prepaid piece of junk, since Apple apparently isn't evil enough for Bad Horse's tastes - rings. Billy considers letting it sit, but the prepaid phone didn't come with voicemail, and anyway he's not sure what that would mean for the singing cowboys. They'd probably keep calling until they got an answer. So he sighs, and picks it up, and tries not to jump when the singing telegram posse appears.

_He liked your application,  
But have you gone away?  
To stay in consideration  
You must act today!  
We think assassination  
Would be the perfect way  
To show us that you're still on course,  
So go do something, signed, Bad Horse!_

They disappear, leaving Billy half wondering which one was the Rigor Mortis Kid, half hoping none of them were paying enough attention to their surroundings to notice what's obviously wrong with the scene, and entirely very pissed off. First, Bad Horse can't know very many mad scientists if he thinks a week and a half is enough to pull off a spectacularly evil deed - sure, there's something to be said for the rush of mad genius, but even that can't fully replace solid, careful planning, in the end.

And anyway, where does the League get off assuming there's nothing more to devious behavior than murder? There's nothing creative or elegant about killing people, Billy's thought that for a long time now. The trick is in getting them to realise the world is a _mess_, and that the status is very much not quo; it's hard to get that kind of point to stick, when all you have left are corpses.

The League can damn well wait; Billy's going to need time to get something sorted out, aside from the obvious problem of likely not getting recognition for anything at the moment anyway, not when they're expecting to see a guy. Anyway, there are more pressing matters at hand, like tomorrow being laundry day.

Billy writes up another text-only blog post ('technical difficulties remain no less technical, but even more difficult'), in hopes of clearing the worst of the irritation. It doesn't quite work out according to that plan.

***

Wednesday is somewhat better. Billy thinks this is in part because Penny has no interest in talking about Captain Hammer, beyond calling him nice - not without a little hesitation, Billy notes, but it's probably pointless to read too much into that. But anyway, after Penny gets her clothes into a washer, she opens a bag from the frozen yogurt stand down the street.

"Huh," she says. "I got two frozen yogurts by mistake. Want one? I'd just take it home, but it would probably go bad by the time I got it to the fridge."

Billy thinks about it for a second, then shrugs. "Sure. Why not?"

"Great." Penny grins, and hands Billy the brown frozen yogurt - chocolate - and a spork. Billy's not sure what to make of it at first, having long thought that chocolate frozen yogurt can bear a little too much resemblance to dog droppings (or, at least, to their usual cartoon representations), but the first bite brings with it another lesson - namely, why women like chocolate so much.

"This is - really good."

"I'll have to pass that along. I don't think Larry usually does chocolate - maybe the spare was for an experiment, to see if it would sell."

"Might make more sense to actually sell it, in that case. You know the guy?" Of course she knows the guy, she stops at the yogurt stand at least once a week - but Billy thinks that might be a bad way to phrase it.

"He stayed at the shelter for a while. Said he dropped out of college and ended up pretty directionless after that. Then came the day that someone wanted a healthier dessert than the ice cream we were getting at the time, and... the rest is history."

"...It's homemade? I never knew that."

Penny grins. "One of the shelter's usual donors put up the money to get him the equipment. Larry's more than paid back the investment by now."

"I can see why." There's a pause, as they both eat; it's only slightly awkward. "So, um. How's the shelter stuff going?"

"All right. The petitions are coming along slowly, still, but that's not really a surprise. And... one of the directors said they'd like to give me an official job, if we do get the new building."

"Really. Way to go. Is it one of those things where they'd do it now, but they're pretty well staffed for the current building?"

Penny shrugs. "I think so. It's... good to know, considering how long it took me to land what I've got now. I was beginning to think I'd have to settle for doing what I love as volunteer work only. Every time I tried to apply to one, I'd get turned down."

"I can't see anyone turning you down for a job."

"Once upon a time, I couldn't either. Of course, now I can visualise it really well."

Billy laughs a little at that, but only after Penny does first. "Yeah, that would help. And sometimes, you find yourself wondering if a job that you thought you really wanted... is all you built it up to be, in your head."

That might have been a little too much, especially since Billy's pressing forward with the application anyway - but then, it's the League, and you can't just drop it when you're this far along. That'd be as good as having a death wish. Still, it almost needed to be said, and Penny doesn't read that deeply into it.

"That happens with a lot of jobs," she says. "I can't decide if it's better to realise before you get it or after that it's not all you cracked it up to be. Catching on before you're caught up in it at least gives you the chance to get out, but... I don't know, maybe the actual experience is still a good thing, on the whole."

Billy shrugs, and finishes off the frozen yogurt.

***

Billy spends Thursday in a marathon session of support requests. Income is always a good thing, after all, even if the people asking the questions must have been standing behind the door when the intelligence genes were doled out. (Which makes a lot of sense, in a way; the door probably kept smacking them in the face while they were back there.) There are some days that Billy really can't believe how many stupid people get sucked into World of Warcraft, but at least doing the support stuff pays well.

Friday turns into having a look at the original Trans-Matter Ray, but it's every bit as recalcitrant as it has been this whole time. Odds are good it's time to call in a second pair of eyes, but Billy doesn't know who that would be; Moist would be just as likely to screw it up even more by his presence alone as he would to spot the problem, Conflict Diamond is far better with security-related technology than she is with Billy's sort of mad science, and anyone else finding out about the situation... well, that would almost definitely be a recipe for disaster.

Billy's busy dreading the thought of having to take the thing apart entirely, the better to get to the bottom of this, when Conflict Diamond drops by.

"Well," she says, "I see you're still stuck."

Billy jumps about a foot. "God, don't - _don't_ just barge in like that."

"Sorry." She doesn't sound particularly sorry, but Billy wasn't really expecting her to. She may not officially tie herself to any one group, but that doesn't mean she can't be devious. "I just thought it might be a good idea to see how things were going."

"Not well. Not well at all. I think I need a second pair of eyes."

"Well, I can try, but I make no promises."

"Understood." Billy hands her the Trans-Matter Ray - after making sure it's switched off, of course, it wouldn't be good to mess up someone else's stuff by accident - and Conflict Diamond takes it and examines it for a few minutes.

"I'm afraid this one's beyond my expertise," she finally says, actually sounding a little apologetic this time. "You might have a look at your wiring, but I can't tell you what might be wrong with it, or even if that's the problem for sure."

"Well, it's an angle I hadn't really looked into yet, at least. Thanks." Billy sighs. "You weren't planning on telling me I've already blown half of my deadline, were you? Because I do kind of already know that part."

"Would you like me to?"

"No. Please. I'm working on it, and I'm - I'll figure something out."

Conflict Diamond smiles. "Oh, I don't doubt that you will. One only hopes that you can do it in time."

"I will." Billy certainly hopes so, since the idea of having a period still doesn't sound very fun at all.

Conflict Diamond hangs around for another ten or so minutes, then heads off, probably for another 'appointment' with a jewelry store. Once she's gone, Billy has a closer look at the Trans-Matter Ray's wiring, but that proves every bit as unhelpful as every other tactic so far.

Maybe it's the lateness of the hour, but it's just too frustrating to deal with in any frame of mind that'll get anything halfway useful done, so Billy decides to call it a night.

***

Saturday comes, and Billy doesn't have to think twice about going to the laundromat - it's as second nature as it ever was, with the added bonus of actually talking to Penny. Billy even stops by the frozen yogurt stand before going in; that stuff was surprisingly good, and there's no harm in establishing a tradition with something they both like. It might even carry over after the metaphorical dust settles, depending on how that goes.

Penny's already there when Billy gets in, loading up a washer; she grins, when she turns around and sees the frozen yogurt bag. "Hey. Guess I got Larry some new business, then."

"You could say that. I got two - want one?"

"Sure. Thanks." Penny takes one of the cups, and Billy starts loading up a washer before digging into the other.

"So," Penny says, "how're things?"

"Not bad, on the whole. Had some really special support requests the other day. You have any idea how people who can't figure out how to log in ever made it past the sign-up screen?"

"...Having never tried World of Warcraft myself, I couldn't say. It's a wonder you don't get more people trying to drag the game into their everyday lives."

Billy sighs. "Oh, we get that. People threatening suicide because they can't get their twinked-out mage into a guild, spouses and significant others pulling the plug on accounts because the account holder's paying more attention to the game than to them, all kinds of fun stuff. Oh, and the people who try to sign up without making sure their graphics card is up to the task."

"Aren't most computers good for it, these days? I mean, I can see where it would be an issue with older things."

"Most, yeah, but not everyone _has_ new-ish equipment. We had someone try to sign up last year who honestly thought they'd get the game to run on an Atari."

Penny laughs, as best as one can around a spork. "There's almost logic to that one, if you squint, but World of Warcraft is a lot more complicated than Pong."

"Yeah, just a little. How about things with you?"

"Also not too bad. We're finishing the petition drive for the shelter this weekend, and we'll probably have the final count soon. As for Captain Hammer..." Penny trails off, then shrugs. "He's... okay, I guess."

"You don't sound too sure about that."

"It's complicated. I mean - there's got to be _some_ good in him, right? Or he wouldn't be much of a hero. And he _was_ sweet the first couple of times we went out, but... I don't know. Lately, it seems like all he wants to talk about is himself."

Billy has to think for a few moments to come up with some relatively neutral phraseology. "I've heard a lot that would say it's pretty standard for him to want to talk about himself. More than most people do, anyway - everyone's got their own agenda to push."

"True. And, well, it definitely doesn't have to be about _me_ all the time rather than him, but it'd be nice if his eyes didn't glaze over every time the conversation didn't put him on a pedestal."

"That - and I know you're going to argue incurable optimism here, but that may not be something you can get him to stop. If he knows he's doing it, he's probably just fine with acting like that."

Penny shrugs, and eats some more of her frozen yogurt. "I don't know. He said he might come by here at some point today. Maybe you could offer an opinion after that."

It takes considerable effort for Billy not to bolt at that news - but then, Captain Hammer's dense enough, and Billy's been quiet enough over the last couple of weeks, that they can probably navigate an encounter without everything falling to pieces. "Well, if he does show, and I'm still here... I guess we'll find out."

They move on to other topics, around finishing their frozen yogurts and dealing with their laundry, and Billy allows for some cautious hope that Captain Hammer won't put in an appearance after all - but he does show up, with only minutes to spare on Penny's dryer. It figures. Penny makes introductions, Billy resists the urge to insist that they're meeting now for the first time - it might have been worth saying, under normal circumstances, but this isn't terribly normal - and Captain Hammer starts laying on the smarm. Anyone else might think it was charm, but Billy knows better, by now.

"Oh, the laundry buddy!" Captain Hammer grins. "So good to meet you. You know, you look horribly familiar. Sort of."

Billy shrugs, careful to stay nonchalant. "One of those faces, I guess."

Fortunately, Captain Hammer lets the subject drop - apparently, Billy doesn't look familiar _enough_ for him to really prod at the idea. Less fortunately, that turns out to be because he's got some self-adulation in mind.

"So, who wants to know what the mayor's up to behind closed doors?" How he managed to make that sound filthy, Billy would really rather not know. "He's agreed to sign over a vacant building to a certain Caring Hands homeless shelter."

Penny's eyes light up, in an exact counterpart to Billy's heart sinking. "Really?"

"Seems the only signature he needed was my fist. ...Holding a pen. That I was... signing with. But anyway, yeah."

"Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you." Penny leans over and kisses him - only a brief peck, but still kind of painful for Billy to see - then jumps, at the sound of a dryer buzzing. "Oh, I think that's me."

Once she's gone to see to her clothes, Captain Hammer turns to Billy, smarmy grin in place. "So, you interested in coming by my place tonight?"

Billy blinks; that was very much unexpected, especially after the 'horribly familiar' line. "Do you say that to everyone you meet?"

"I never say no to showing a girl a good time."

"And... what about the fact that you came by here to meet your girlfriend?"

Captain Hammer actually laughs, at that. "Pfft. _Girl_friend. They never last past the first night in bed with me anyway. She's nice and impressed by this shelter crap, and that'll keep her around for, what, another week? And then she'll be so overwhelmed by how good I am that she won't be able to bear coming back for more."

"You... do know that doesn't really make any sense, right?"

"Logic is for loser freaks who want to take over the world. Not that they have much of it, or no one would call it mad science. So, how about it?"

"I. _Really_ think not. You're about as far from my type as it's possible to get."

Penny comes back with her laundry, effectively ending the conversation before it can get any more awkward than it already is (which could be a new world record, frankly). Billy's left to watch them go, feeling more than a little queasy after that encounter.

Just when she thought Captain Hammer couldn't sink any lower, he plumbed new depths. New, completely _sickening_ depths. More than ever, she can't believe people hold the guy up as a model citizen, can't believe Penny's buying into the false sincerity of the shelter thing, can't believe he'd be so cavalier in his treatment of girls...

Maybe that's part of his problem, Billy thinks. If Captain Hammer had to spend some time as a girl, he might understand how being such a jackass actually gets in his own way.

Billy grins. _This_, finally, is a plan she can work with; what better way to take down the Corporate Tool than through a quite literal emasculation? And if it's not devious enough for the Evil League of Evil, it had damned well ought to be. Putting someone through that kind of psychological workout certainly isn't nice; Billy didn't even set out to do it, and she's learned that quite well.

And then the reality of a small but crucial part of that thought process sinks in, and Billy almost doesn't register the dryer buzzing.

***

It's got to be bad. Billy can't even work on the best plan _ever_ for taking down Captain Hammer, and really, that's not only mad science but the ultimate in goal fulfillment.

But that's probably got something to do with the fact that the plan is so closely tied to the mess that it's not as much of a distraction as Billy would like it to be. Before the plan can work, Billy needs to know how to replicate what happened in the first place - and knowing how to fix it might be a good idea, too, just in case Captain Hammer learns enough to grovel copiously for all his transgressions.

And that all leads to the big thing that Billy can't place. How long was he dodging self-referential pronouns in his thought processes, before that moment in the laundromat? Why is he having to make a conscious effort to actually use the one that's fit like a glove since he was born - at least, until recently?

When, exactly, did wanting to know how to reverse the effect become less urgent and more academic, for all that bleeding for a week every month still doesn't sound like Billy's idea of a picnic?

And why, of all the possible times, did the identity crisis pick _now_ to hit? It would be bad enough on its own, but with the League demanding action and wanting to see it _yesterday_, and Captain Hammer setting Penny up for a truly nasty fall, and Penny herself... well, Billy's not sure how to read that, but knows she probably won't be too impressed if she ever finds out she's been semi-unintentionally lied to for weeks now...

It's enough to make Billy want to get a gallon or so of ice cream and then block out the rest of the world for days on end, and that's exactly what she ends up doing.


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm so chill  
No wonder it's freezing  
I'm so still  
I just can't keep my fingers out of anything  
I'm so thrilled  
To finally be failing_  
\--"Falling for the First Time" - Barenaked Ladies

As a coping mechanism, it only works until Sunday night. That's the point when Moist comes in, and stops saying whatever it was he was saying when he came in the door (he does that a lot; today, it's something about the Henchmen's Union and Captain Hammer's latest sweeping gesture) when he actually catches sight of Billy.

"...Doc? Are you okay?"

Billy laughs, and can't help noticing how broken and on the verge of hysterics it sounds. "Never better. And if you believe that, I've got a condo in the middle of the Sahara to sell to you. You might actually dry out, out there."

"I definitely don't believe it. First, you don't wear your pajamas around the house. Second, you don't eat much ice cream, and third, when you do, it's definitely not the biggest carton of Triple Chocolate Swirl you can get your hands on."

"Guess you could say I'm developing a taste for it. But you could say that about a lot of things, right now."

Moist raises an eyebrow. "Are you going to explain what's going on anywhere near coherently, or should I just come back tomorrow?"

"No, no, you can stay, just... I don't know how well I _can_ explain it. Haven't really managed to explain it to myself, yet."

"O...kay. Start from the beginning, and maybe by the time you finish you'll have something."

Billy sighs. "I don't know. I think I'm starting to get used to this. Like... I still don't want it to be anything permanent, but maybe if I get stuck longer than I wanted, it won't be the end of the world, and - I don't know. It's like my gender pronouns wandered off for a lunch break and came back wearing a dress, or something."

"Have you... slept in the last couple days? Even you're not usually this loopy."

"Not well. I - Captain Hammer _hit on me_ yesterday, which at least means he wasn't trying to eviscerate me in the middle of the laundromat, but _still_. And the League's expecting me to do something to further my application, and I don't know how Penny's going to react if she ever finds out it's _me_ she's been talking to the last couple weeks and not my imaginary sister, and... I don't _know_."

Moist starts to say something three or four times, but doesn't actually voice any of those thoughts, whatever they are. "Okay," he finally says, "I honestly never thought these words would leave my mouth, but... are you sure you're not PMSing, Doc?"

"...No, I'm not sure about that." Billy sighs. "God, it probably _would_ be that on top of everything else. That would explain all the chocolate, at any rate. Either way, I just... I wish I still knew what I wanted."

"Well. 'Doctor' is a gender-neutral title, at least these days."

"That doesn't help as much as you might think, considering the League's jumped straight to advocating murder, since I've been so quiet. And they say it like there's nothing else I could do."

Moist shrugs. "You've got more than enough evil hours to get into the Henchmen's Union, I know that--"

Billy waves him off. "No. If I'm doing this, it's all or nothing, and I still have to throw Bad Horse a bone. Or maybe a carrot, in his case. But I see no reason to be predictable, and anyway, people don't learn anything if they're dead."

"So you're not even - Captain Hammer _hit_ on you? Seriously? How did he not catch on?"

"I don't know, but I'm not going to question my luck. The one thing I _do_ know for sure right now is that he's treating Penny like shit, and I can't let him get away with that."

"She might not let him get away with it either," Moist points out. "Girls have some weird intuitions about that kind of stuff."

"It's Captain Hammer, though. I'd rather make sure the point gets across, hopefully to as many people as... hmm."

"Okay, now you sound like you've got a plan."

Billy smiles a little for what feels like the first time in days, even though it hasn't really been that long. "I think I might be closer to one. Thanks for hearing me out."

"No problem, Doc. Want to watch a movie or something?"

"Sure, why not. You pick, I'll put it in after I..." Billy puts the lid on the ice cream container. "Since you and freezers go together even less than you and electronics."

Moist grins. "Yeah, that'd just be a disaster waiting to happen." He goes over to Billy's stack of DVDs, and Billy puts the tub of ice cream away. There's still a lot left to be figured out, but the situation doesn't look as hopeless as it did half an hour ago.

***

Billy spends all of Monday and Tuesday trying to figure out the Trans-Matter Ray. It still doesn't work out very well, but that's not the end of the world; if all else fails, there's the Freeze Ray, and he can at least give Captain Hammer the verbal pantsing he so richly deserves. It's just going to be a question of the proper venue, the better to make the point to as many people as possible.

On Wednesday, it's pretty clear that she'll need a break before anything remotely resembling an answer reveals itself; good thing it's laundry day. Penny doesn't show up until Billy's stuff is halfway done in the dryer, looking pleased but very, very tired.

"Hey. I was starting to wonder if you were gonna show up."

Penny grins. "We've been busy since Saturday. Frozen yogurt?"

"Absolutely." Penny digs a cup of frozen yogurt out of her bag; Billy accepts it, and digs in with relish. "How're things?"

"Like I said, busy. I've been helping with the shelter in pretty much all of my free time, the last couple of days. Thanks to our ringing endorsement, they're saying we can open by Monday, but there's a lot to do to get the building ready for use as a shelter. It's already got bathrooms on every floor, at least, but those all need showers installed, and it hasn't been used in a few months, so it's pretty much a mess all around."

"Yikes. No structural problems, one hopes?"

"Not so far, but there's been a good amount of heavy lifting." Penny sighs. "And, well, three guesses who hasn't shown up once, at least while I've been there."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Well, I am. After him going out of his way to get us the extra building, you'd think he might at least show up for five minutes."

Billy shrugs. "I doubt he's realised there's a photo op in it for him, yet. Once he does, you won't be able to get rid of him."

"Probably not, no. You know, if you wanted to help out, we'd be more than glad to have an extra pair of hands."

"I... might be able to. I don't know right now - Billy's having a stressful time of things at the moment. It'll depend on how things go on that front."

Penny nods. "Well, I hope he gets through it all right."

"Oh, so do I."

"You're both welcome to come to the shelter dedication, if you're free for it. It... would be good to see a familiar face or two, other than the obvious set."

Billy thinks about that for a few moments, then grins. "I'll see what we can do. Thanks for the invite."

After collecting his laundry and heading home, it occurs to Billy that the shelter dedication would be the perfect place. Captain Hammer will almost certainly be there - after persuading the mayor to sign it over, he'll probably get to give some incredibly narcissistic speech, or something - and after three weeks of silence (which it will be by then), he probably won't be expecting his arch-nemesis to do... oh, much of anything.

It's a very solid plan, for once.

***

On Thursday, Billy tries to run up some work hours, but that fails spectacularly in what has to be record time. Normally, even the most idiotic support requests imaginable don't manage to be quite this frustrating, but it's the completely logical ones that are doing her in - and making her all the more sure she's PMSing. It'd be good to get a breakthrough on what went wrong with the Trans-Matter Ray in the next few days, but Billy's not exactly holding her breath on that.

Moist comes over for a while that evening, presumably to make sure Billy hasn't dived back into the tub of ice cream. He hasn't, but it was a near thing. Billy goes over the plan for the shelter dedication, the better to get a second opinion on it; Moist thinks it sounds solid, on the whole.

"You better be careful, though, if you can't get the thing sorted out in time," he says, and Billy nods.

"I know. At least I won't be tripping over myself, at this point."

"True. You gonna stick with that, if you figure out how to fix it beforehand?"

"I might, if I don't have a couple days to readjust." It sounds damn weird to think about tripping over his own feet the way he grew up _having_ them, but Billy can't rule out the possibility.

***

On Friday, Billy decides that if she's going to claim to be used to this body, it's high time to figure out the... well, the sexual mechanics of it.

Billy's not entirely clueless, thanks to one brief relationship in college (in which he was the rebound, the girl moved _way_ too fast to be healthy for either of them, everything fell apart three weeks after she first snogged him, and they never spoke again). But that's from a completely different perspective, so to speak, and even knowing that ahead of time leaves Billy pretty much unprepared for just how... intense it is as a firsthand experience.

It's entirely possible guys underestimate it just because the parts aren't completely obvious. This is clearly a giant mistake on their part.

Billy has to wash her hands, after figuring all of this out; it's the first time in all of this that her face has looked mostly unfamiliar, all flushed cheeks and dilated pupils and lazy smile. It's not really a bad sort of unfamiliar, though. In fact, it just might make things worthwhile, if this does stick.

It occurs to Billy, well over an hour later, that, so far as she thinks about anyone in that state of mind, she was still thinking of Penny.

***

Billy spends the entire weekend, barring short breaks for food and longer breaks for sleep, working on the Trans-Matter Ray, but still can't find any signs of why it sparked like it did. The wiring seems fine, the battery pack and the reaction power source are both fully intact, and he knows from the tree branch test that it does exactly what it was designed to, if in exactly the same way it did it to the gold bars. But the shifting molecules are still the only apparent problem with the thing, which doesn't bode so well for emasculating Captain Hammer.

It's a little disappointing, that Billy won't have it done for the shelter dedication, but that doesn't mean it'll never happen. It just won't be quite as attention-getting, whenever it does happen.

On Monday, Billy goes for a long walk after lunch, taking a route that avoids as many people as it's possible to dodge in downtown Los Angeles. He needs the walk, even if people are singularly aggravating right now - even more so than usual. Much as Billy hates to think of it, it's got to be PMS.

Oh, well. At least she's getting used to the internal pronoun dissonance; it's still weird, but it makes sense to Billy, and it doesn't really _have_ to make sense to anyone else.

When Billy gets home, he packs up the Freeze Ray - and a Stun Ray, just in case - along with the lab coat and goggles, and heads down to the shelter's new building, the better to case the joint and pick the best place to set up shop. The _statue_ of Captain Hammer in front of the damn building really shouldn't be a surprise, but it is, not to mention disgusting. Billy rolls her eyes, silently vows to make the most of not having sorted out the Trans-Matter Ray, and goes in.

He picks a spot down the center aisle as likely the best place to set up the Freeze Ray; it's in a direct line with the podium, which Captain Hammer will undoubtedly be standing at before the night is over, and the choice spot is far enough back to set up without drawing undue attention. That decided, Billy heads for the bathrooms in order to set up.

It takes a couple of minutes to decide which one to use; there's going to be visual dissonance either way, if anyone happens to see. In the end, she decides on the women's, just to cut down on the blatantly obvious issues.

Putting on the lab coat - and, for some reason, especially the goggles - for the first time in weeks feels oddly like coming home. The goggles prove especially useful for keeping Billy's hair out of the way; it's still almost severely short, for this face, but there hasn't been much point in having it cut, given the circumstances.

Billy stays in the bathroom until the crowd noises through the door settle out and seem to indicate that the event's on its way to starting, though she doesn't actually leave until the mayor starts talking. If this is going to be a remotely successful setup, Billy's got to stay out of Captain Hammer's direct line of sight until everything's ready; hopefully, he'll be too busy posturing for his adoring fans to notice what's going on at the back of the room. It's a slim chance, but it's all Billy has to see this through.

It works out well enough, though Billy has to fight down a serious wince when Captain Hammer opens his speech with, "I hate the homeless." He may correct to "...ness problem that plagues our city" within seconds, but one would hope that pause was long enough that _someone_ would catch on - Penny, if no one else.

And then Captain Hammer starts making up a song, or something, and that only makes matters worse - well, aside from giving Billy the perfect distraction to get everything set up, since everyone seems to be eating it up, and not even noticing that they're being repeatedly insulted by their hero. Penny, Billy's glad to see, has the good sense to look thoroughly alarmed when Captain Hammer gets around to mentioning her.

Billy fires up the Freeze Ray as Captain Hammer nears the end of his song, and can't hold back a laugh when the Freeze Ray cuts off his last note; she's pleased to note that the evil laughter coaching is paying off. Apparently, just being there in her current state is enough to confuse most of the audience into sticking around.

"Well, now that I have your attention..." Billy smiles, perhaps more pleasantly than the situation entirely calls for, but she's in a good mood so far. "Makes a good statue, doesn't he? Let's just put _him_ on display out there and get rid of the stone work. It'll save time and money.

"But while we've got him here, let's consider for a moment. Who, exactly, did he persuade the mayor to hand over the shelter _for_? Certainly not for the people who are going to be living in it, since he started out by saying he hates them. And, I'd guess, if it were for his girlfriend, that was only a coincidence, as far as advancing himself with her was concerned. When you like someone that much, you don't flirt with other people or air your private details in a room full of the city's finest."

There are definitely some thoughtful looks floating around the audience, after that. Confident that she's actually getting somewhere and Captain Hammer won't be moving for a while yet, Billy continues.

"My guess is that he did it just to make himself look good - didn't you, Captain? Like how you always offload the fact that you put bystanders in more danger than they were before you got there onto whoever you're beating up at the time, and how you're automatically suspicious of anything you can't understand within three seconds. You'd impress people a lot more if you actually did something out of the goodness of your heart, but I don't know how much of that you've actually got."

Some of the audience starts murmuring - not loudly enough to really detract from Billy's overall monologue, but enough to give her some hope that they're thinking, for once, rather than just accepting what they're told by Captain Hammer's fans in the press.

"I've got a little surprise coming for you. It's only too bad I couldn't have it ready for today, but... I'd rather take the time to get it right." Billy's not about to admit that the surprise in question isn't even remotely as in progress as it sounds; better to keep Captain Hammer in the dark, on that front, and hopefully spring it when he's complacent about the imminent threat again. "And I think that's all the more I'm going to say, since... you know, I think I kinda _like_ it when you don't know about my plans in--"

The Freeze Ray sputters; Billy frowns, and turns toward it. "That's... not a good sound."

The Freeze Ray gives out a couple seconds later. Billy ducks, perhaps a bit prematurely since Captain Hammer insists on finishing his goddamn song before going after anyone. Oddly, though, he doesn't seem to have violence in mind so much as... something else.

"Look," he says, "if you're regretting turning me down, that's one thing. But you really don't have to impersonate Dr. Horrible to get your point across. You could have just asked."

Billy sighs. "I wouldn't have regretted turning you down even if you hadn't had a girlfriend when you tried it. And who says I was impersonating anyone?"

Captain Hammer frowns, but fortunately (Billy _thinks_ it's fortunate, anyway), before he can get around to saying or hitting anything, Penny walks over, looking like she's barely got a hold on her temper.

"You," she says, poking Captain Hammer in the arm, "have a _hell_ of a lot of explaining to do. Especially if..." She eyes Billy for a few moments, then continues. "Especially if she was right about why you did this."

"This... person is just making stuff up," Captain Hammer says, but Billy's pleased to note he doesn't sound as confident as usual.

"Didn't sound like it." Penny rubs the finger she poked Captain Hammer with. "Anyway, I was wondering before this if you ever did anything for someone other than yourself, in the end. I guess I have my answer. _Don't_ talk to me again."

Billy grins, as Captain Hammer leaves, but it drops right off her face when Penny turns to her. "And don't think you're in the clear. If anything, you have more explaining to do than he did."

"...Yeah, I guess I do."

"I just won't make you do it in public. Among other things, I don't think we have long enough here to get through the whole story."

Billy nods. "It's kind of complicated. To say the least. Maybe... do you have time tomorrow? This isn't exactly laundry conversation either."

"That should work. Give me directions, I'll come over after work."

Billy gives her directions, then packs up the Freeze Ray and the ultimately unnecessary Stun Ray - still, knowing Captain Hammer, it had seemed better to play it safe and have something on hand. She considers changing back into street clothes, before walking home, but ultimately decides against it; it's high time she owned the lab coat again, after too damn long out of it.

Of course, having pretty much nothing to show for three weeks of near-total silence, other than a verbal smackdown that felt _damn_ good to deliver, probably screwed up her chances with the League in a big way. But right now, Billy doesn't really care. She achieved her main objective (calling Captain Hammer out on the depths of his... toolery? toolishness? whatever, and hopefully jarring some of his adoring fans into having second thoughts), and Penny's not dismissing her out of hand.

Two out of three ain't bad, all things considered.

***

Billy's unbelievably nervy, for most of Tuesday; she thinks it has a lot to do with the fact that Penny seems to have taken what she saw at the shelter dedication and processed it a hell of a lot more calmly than she did the reality of Captain Hammer being a total jackass. Or maybe it's just that she's saving her questions until they talk in private.

Either way, she won't know until later, so Billy channels that nervous energy into answering support requests. It helps to balance out the lingering over-the-top frustration with the world at large, and Billy knows from experience that working on Dr. Horrible's projects in this state of mind rarely ends in anything short of disaster. Come to think of it, that might have been part of what got her in this mess in the first place, in a way; irritation with life in general can be just as distracting as nerves, after all.

It's not a bad day, other than the moment around lunch where Billy has a temporary lapse in sanity and turns on the news. The anchors are talking about what happened at the shelter dedication, and spending as much time trying to figure out if that was actually Dr. Horrible as they are debating whether the charges against Captain Hammer were serious. At least she's getting a little press for once, but still, do they _have_ to wonder that seriously whether anyone could dislike Captain Hammer?

At around six, there's a knock on the door. Billy jumps - partly from having half expected it all day, she thinks - then says, "Come in."

"Hi." Penny stops just inside the door, and holds up a bag from the frozen yogurt stand. "I thought maybe we could use some reinforcements."

"Not a bad idea." Billy grins, and takes one of the frozen yogurts; the smile fades after she gets it open, though. "So, um. You're the one with all the questions. Go ahead."

Penny's quiet while she opens her own frozen yogurt and takes a bit. "So," she finally says. "I'd wondered why there hadn't been any video posts lately, but... I'd guess your current situation has a lot to do with it."

"Yeah, I thought it might be better to keep it - you... know my blog?" There's no point in denying it, if Penny's already called it, and, well. It does explain a little bit of why she was so calm last night.

"Found it a few months ago. It's... well, it's thought-provoking, I'll give you that. But why didn't you just level with me?"

Billy sighs. "In this particular case, I panicked. And I wasn't sure you'd believe it if I did tell you, all things considered. In general... I don't know. I think I thought I'd need to have something to impress you, before I did say anything. Otherwise, I'd just be a normal guy, and what's so impressive about that when you've got a hero chasing you around?"

"Well, I didn't have the hero until recently, and if he keeps chasing me around after last night, I may be getting a restraining order. But anyway, I don't want to rule the world, and I don't think _you_ ruling it will solve all the problems you have with it. Historically, absolute dictatorships don't work out so well."

"Yeah, well. I still don't think the world's got a lot going for it right now."

"Maybe not, but there are better ways to get to fixing those problems than just..." Penny trails off, and picks up a Ziploc bag sitting on the coffee table. "What _is_ this?"

"Tree branch," Billy says, after taking a closer look. "Molecularly, anyway. Had to make sure the thing that got me in this state was still doing what it's supposed to - or, at least, what it did last time I used it. It did."

"All right then."

"Anyway... I don't want to be a hero. People expect certain things of their heroes, and none of that's me."

Penny shrugs. "People also expect certain things of their bad guys. Including the bad guys themselves."

"I've noticed. And... I don't know, maybe that's part of why I didn't tell you. It's easier to get a read on just normal people."

"I don't know about that. Anyway, what was it you wanted me to see in the end - just a normal guy, or a reclusive genius who's got some good ideas, even if he's taking them in some weird directions right now?"

Billy pauses, and tries to cover up the shock of that statement with a bite of frozen yogurt. "You... I haven't scared you off?"

"Incurable optimist, remember? Besides, you _have_ convinced me lately you're not a completely terrible person. Or, well, your imaginary sister did. I figure there's no harm in talking, at least."

After a few moments, Billy fully relaxes, for what feels like the first time in weeks. They sit in reasonably companionable silence for a while, working on their frozen yogurts.

"So," Penny says, after a bit, "how'd you manage to get yourself into this pickle in the first place?"

"I still have yet to figure that out - even though I should in the next few days, if I don't want to see the bad side of biology. I was trying to figure out why the Trans-Matter Ray leaves things turning into goo after a few days, it sparked, and... well."

"Well... I can't make any promises, since I'm way out of practice and don't exactly know mad science anyway, but if you want a second pair of eyes on it, I could try."

Billy looks up, caught completely off guard by that. "I did have someone look, but she - isn't good with this sort of engineering. I didn't know you... yeah."

Penny blushes, and sort of ducks behind her hair. "I was on the robotics team in high school. Would have done it in college, too, but the guys running it didn't seem to think a social work major would take it seriously. I think that was their code for still thinking girls can't be scientists, but." She shrugs. "I meant it, though. I make no promises, but I can try."

"Well. Sure. It can't hurt, as long as you're careful."

Billy gets up, gets the original Trans-Matter Ray and a plastic probe - the better to make sure there aren't any errant sparks, if Penny wants to poke around - and takes it over to her. Penny doesn't get to a hands-on examination until after she's finished her frozen yogurt; once she does, though, she frowns at something a few minutes in.

"Why do you have the reaction power source so close to the battery pack?" she says. "That looks like it's just asking for trouble, especially if you push the battery pack wires into it."

"Well, I--" Billy stops, and thinks back to the first night of this mess. "That's... the part I was poking at. I think you might have solved my problem."

"I'm still making no promises. Did you want to... try it again with someone here, or what?"

"Probably better to do that than wait for Moist to find me again. He's done more than his share of picking up the pieces, the last couple weeks. Just - stay back? I don't think it'd do anything to you, but I'd rather make sure."

Penny nods, and ducks back behind the couch; once satisfied she'll be out of the way, Billy takes the Trans-Matter Ray over to a lab table and gives the wires Penny pointed out a prod. The spark doesn't throw Billy as far as the first one did, but there _is_ a spark, which is more than can be said for previous attempts at fixing the situation.

Billy glances down to find a completely flat chest, and sighs; he's not sure how relieved he really is, but doesn't want to think about that too closely just yet. "You," he says, "are clearly a genius."

"I don't know if I'd go that far, but I'm glad I could help." Penny emerges from behind the couch. "Are you okay?"

"I think so, yeah. I think I'll wait a couple minutes before trying to walk, this time around."

"Completely fair, I think."

Penny changes the subject, and after a while, they order some take-out from a Chinese place down the street. By the time she leaves, Billy's at least hopeful he hasn't entirely screwed _that_ up - even in the knowledge that he's got a hell of a lot to make up for.

Now if he could just deal with the nagging feeling that he still hasn't really solved the internal crisis, he'd call it a success without question.

***

On the bright side, Billy knows exactly where to start with bringing about the gender-swap reaction on purpose, now - and he's got a spare Trans-Matter Ray, so he sees no reason not to just convert the old one. He can keep the basic design intact, and just shift the spark-inducing reaction to where the matter-transportation one currently takes place.

Not to mention, this one's practically guaranteed to be at a hundred percent right out of the gate, considering Billy's already lived through the effect. But that's a matter to be dealt with after a little sleep.

As things work out, he doesn't get to working on it until Thursday; Wednesday goes to a combination of income-earning work and laundry day, which manages to be barely awkward at all. Billy takes that as a hopeful sign on one front, at least.

On Thursday afternoon, while he's dismantling the matter transportation reaction center on the soon-to-be-former Trans-Matter Ray, Billy's League phone rings. It takes him a while to find it - apparently, he'd tossed it down the couch cushions after that last singing telegram from Bad Horse - but he gets it, and picks up, and braces himself for the singing cowboys.

They don't appear, though. Instead, after about five seconds of silence, a British voice on the other end says, "Well, have you answered, or is this bloody mobile network dropping calls again?"

"Oh - sorry, I didn't... I was waiting for the cowboys. Um. Yeah."

"Fair enough. Not like I'd usually be doing this anyway, but - Union-defined time off and the fact that I think Bad Horse is two steps away from firing that lot aside, yours is something of a special case."

Billy frowns; he's not entirely sure what's so special that _Dead Bowie_ felt the need to call him, especially since the shelter dedication pretty much ruined his chances anyway. "Oh. Um. What... sort of special case?"

"I think you know as well as I do that simply giving a hero a verbal dressing-down wasn't going to be enough for Bad Horse, especially after three weeks of nothing. And he insists that he dropped you a hint or two as to what might work out in your favor."

"He did, but I... prefer to take my own initiative." Billy feels more than a little like Crowley, trying to explain to Hastur and Ligur that there are bigger, better, more creative fish to fry these days, if one just looks beyond the most obvious course of action - but he doesn't point that out. He has no idea how much reading the current League members have done, for one thing.

"A good point," Dead Bowie says, "but the only place it seems to have taken you was into a woman's body - and back again, if your voice is any sign. Now, I liked it, it's probably the most entertaining thing you've done since you started applying, and Fury Leika... just might not vivisect you on sight, now. But the two of us only have so much sway, and even we have to agree that you might have put that trick to more practical use on someone else." The 'like your nemesis' hangs unspoken on the phone line.

Billy sighs, not quite as explosively as she'd like to. "I had some issues getting that part sorted out as quickly as I'd wanted to. Give it time, and I may yet get up to something interesting."

"I do hope it's good. You're likely too late to save your application, but you just might save your skin."

The phone goes dead, before Billy can ask for a clarification, and no one calls back. She tosses the phone back onto the couch - at least she can stop pre-paying it, if that call was any indication - and goes back to gutting the old Trans-Matter Ray.

But anything more than that is going to have to wait, thanks to that phone call; God only knows what the distraction-induced sparking might cause, this time, and Billy's in no hurry to find out from experience again. So he calls it an earlyish night, once the shell's ready to be refitted.

He flops into bed, just for the sheer pleasure of being able to do it - but after an hour, has to concede that maybe he _can't_ fall asleep on his stomach anymore, not after nearly a month of learning not to.

***

Billy gets the Trans-Matter Ray reassembled on Friday. He'd like to test it before actually putting it to the use he's got in mind, but the question there is on who; animal testing wouldn't necessarily be obvious enough, and if word of that got out, he'd be up against PETA, which is in many ways even scarier than the threat of Bad Horse.

Both Moist and Conflict Diamond drop by over the course of the day, and congratulate Billy for getting his situation sorted out. He still doesn't really feel like he's sorted _anything_ out at all, but more importantly, he doesn't get a test of the new design from either of them. He doesn't really feel like he can ask that of Conflict Diamond, and Moist makes so many funny faces at the thought that Billy tells him to forget about it.

"Sorry, Doc," Moist says. "But I... it's weird, to think about. Really weird. I don't know how you handled it so well."

"And you know how well I _was_ handling it."

"Hey, I would've had that breakdown about two days in, I think. And I know you wouldn't make it stick that long just for a test, but... still."

Billy sighs. "Yeah, I know. And I'd have you try it on me, but then I'd have water-in-the-electronics issues to sort out."

There are other reasons she's undecided on going the self-test route, but the conversation is already making Moist uncomfortable, and most of Billy's towels are in the laundry pile; it seems better not to go into that right now. After Moist goes home, Billy does his first video post in a while, largely because it's time to clear up a number of questions from the shelter dedication.

He doesn't name the new project - not having Captain Hammer figure things out before he's got a chance to do anything is really a nice change of pace. But it's entirely possible some people will figure out what he's got in mind anyway; there are hints there, in case anyone with half a brain is paying attention.

On Saturday, he goes to the laundromat, stopping at the frozen yogurt stand first; Penny bought the last round, so it's only fair. She's already there when he gets in, grinning her head off, but she doesn't explain until after Billy's got a washer started.

"The shelter's hiring me," she says. "They want me to help run the new building."

"That's great! Congratulations."

"Thanks. I still have another week and a half at the store, but - well, the end's in sight, and I actually get to use my degree for a living now."

Billy grins, a little surprised to realise there's not a trace of 'fake it to impress her' to be found. "You'll kick ass at it. Not... literally, one would hope, but in principle."

"Yeah." Penny eats some of her frozen yogurt, then says, "About your post yesterday. Are you... going to do what I think you're planning?"

"Soon as I can figure out how to test it."

"You know it'd be taking the higher road to just leave him alone."

Billy sighs. "I know, but... first, I don't trust _him_ to take the higher road just because I try to, second, he needs to have the point driven home in a way he can't pretend didn't happen, and third, it could be a matter of saving my own life. My application's officially out of the running, but..."

"But they may not be done with you yet. I'll give you that one, I guess, and... well, at least you're not planning anything lethal."

"Nah. I'd rather hear 'ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking.'" Billy's starting to get the nagging feeling that he was only in the running for so long because Bad Horse got some kind of amusement from watching him squirm; if that's the case, he might be better off staying out of the League after all.

Penny smiles. "Well, I think you'll get that with no trouble."

"I sort of already have. Now it's just a matter of surviving the encounter."

Penny changes the subject, after that, and they don't revisit it for the rest of the afternoon.

***

On Sunday, Billy checks the blog's email account; after sorting through the usual dreck from Johnny Snow and people wondering how it could have been _him_ at the shelter dedication when there were clearly breasts involved, he's left with something... rather interesting.

_I commend you for staying obtuse about your plans this time around,_ it says, _but based on what you've thrown out there and how you showed up at the shelter dedication, I have a question you seem to be well suited to answer. If you're up to what I think you are, I might be able to guinea-pig for you, for your trouble. Let me know if you're interested._

Billy lets it sit for a couple hours, then emails the person back, thinking he might as well. Anyway, he's kind of curious as to what they think he's up to and how they expect to benefit. They agree to meet in the park the next afternoon, and that's the end of it until Monday.

When Billy gets to the right section of the park, he finds a fairly androgynous person leaning against the tree they chose as a landmark; getting 'Chris' by way of an introduction doesn't really help clarify matters, but given the circumstances, Billy can't help wondering if that's the point.

"So," he says. "You said you had a question for me?"

"I do, actually. Mind, I'm just extrapolating from your previous work and what happened, so if I'm wrong, stop me. That said, what's this ray gun of yours likely to do to someone who's had a double mastectomy and been on testosterone for three years?"

There's an unmistakably personal undercurrent to the question, which at least clears up one of Billy's questions. Just as well; it wasn't one he was really looking forward to having to ask.

"...Good question. Considering - what you saw wasn't exactly on purpose, and I only just sorted out where the reaction came from, I don't know whether it acts on chromosomes, or hormones, or presentation, or what. I think it'd be safe to say if it worked the way you wanted, and you ended up wanting it reversed, you'd... probably have to have your surgeries redone, whatever they may be."

"I won't be wanting to reverse it, if it works. There are people who would call it cheating, and they will, but--" Chris sighs. "I've had just about goddamn _enough_ of putting up with what God gave me. If the chance is here, I want what I should have had in the first place."

"All right. What's in it for me?"

"A free test of your latest design, and some good publicity with the people who won't call it cheating."

Billy raises an eyebrow. "What are you, a lawyer or something?"

"Not yet, but I'm working on that part. So, what do you think?"

"You make a... very good case. I think I'm willing to give it a try if you are - and, well, at least you're a willing participant."

Chris snorts. "If you developed the thing, you have at least one _un_willing participant in mind. But I take your point. Any particular time you want to do this?"

"Well... now works. Or, well, as long as it takes to get back to my place."

The reaction, it turns out, works from chromosomes above all else. Chris is quite pleased with the result, and heads off smiling, leaving Billy to wonder if losing out on the self-test was really all that good, in the end.

***

Billy's finding that there are things she misses about the experience, accidental though it was.

He can't get used to having to shave his face again, even though he never had to do it that often in the first place. He has yet to go for a now long-overdue haircut, but that could be a budget crunch as much as anything else. He thinks he might have been better equipped to deal with people, but how much of that was because pretty much no one knew who he was, he can't say. There was an odd sort of freedom to it, but that could have been a factor of staying out of the public eye more often than not, both in general and during those three weeks.

On Tuesday night, Billy sets out to do what he'd wanted to do at the shelter dedication. Captain Hammer's got electronic alarms on his ridiculously large house (seriously, the place is big enough to make Billy suspect Captain Hammer's compensating for something), but that's easy to get around, with Moist as a go-to henchman.

But then Billy pulls the trigger and finds herself envying Captain Hammer - who, thankfully, is a very sound sleeper - and thinks maybe it's time to stop making excuses and actually think things through.

Wednesday is laundry day, of course. Penny brings the frozen yogurt; Billy's surprised to find that he's still got more of a taste for chocolate than he used to. They talk about Penny's last few days in retail hell, Billy's latest couple of adventures with tech support, whether Captain Hammer's had a nervous breakdown yet (and whether that'll end up on the news) - and then the conversation trails off into awkward silence.

They haven't really had much awkward silence since the first couple of times they talked; it's kind of weird, that it's showing up again now.

"This... this might sound kind of weird," Penny says, stirring the remnants of her frozen yogurt. "But I miss having girl talk with you. It's - I don't know, there's something completely different about it, this way."

"No, I... think I know exactly what you mean. Considering I haven't been able to decide whether I actually fixed anything by reversing it."

"Never would have thought it from you, if I hadn't seen it."

Billy shrugs. "It's definitely nothing I would have set out to try, but... I don't know. Maybe if I knew what I was getting into, it wouldn't throw me for such a loop."

"You're probably the only person who can really figure that out. And, well, I like you either way, if that would be a factor in your decision."

"...You do?"

Penny smiles. "You're a nice person, League application aside. And there's always time to figure things out beyond that."

"Yeah. I... guess there is."

They go back to talking about just about everything under the sun, until such time as Billy's laundry is done. She heads home feeling more at peace than she has in weeks, if not longer.


End file.
